After months of dealing with denying the loss, I know I am finally ready to really open our home back up. We’ve had a few calls, mostly ones that don’t fit our profile. But, a few weeks ago we had a call that I think could have been a perfect fit. A 13 year old girl who had a relatively stable life and good relationships within her family. Until she didn’t.

She was described as being respectful, thoughtful, and a good student. She wasn’t a child I needed to have in my line of sight every moment she was awake. She was on no psychiatric drugs, and had no history of them. She was just a kid going through a rough time at home.

Husband said no, absolutely not.

Words were exchanged. An argument ensued.

I lost. And I don’t usually loose.

But here’s the thing. Accepting kids again has to be an agreement between us, something we are both comfortable with. We always said that from the very beginning if one of us were uncomfortable with any aspect, we wouldn’t move forward until we both had peace. I will not go back on that, and if Husband says no, then no amount of me rationalizing with him will make him more apt to say yes. Because its not about reason, it’s about emotion, and feeling safe and prepared.

I think the worst part of the argument (which happened over the phone while we were both at work, by the way), was when I said, “I don’t understand why you’re holding me back. I’ve been waiting my whole life for this!” His response was classic husband. He sneered, “You’ve been waiting your whole life for a thirteen year old girl?”

Okay, I get his point. But he completely overlooked mine.

I kept his bedroom door shut for two months after Blue Eyes left. In my mind, there was nothing to see there but an empty shell of what it was. Husband opened it as spring was coming and it lets a little natural light into the hallway. I silently struggled with him for a few weeks. I would walk by and close it before leaving for work every day. I would come home and it would be open again. I gave up after a few weeks because I realized it wouldn’t be healthy for me to shut up my fears and thoughts and emotions about Blue Eyes into that room. Each morning, on my way to the bathroom, I walk by that open bedroom with the bed made and the toys put away. And I glance in, wondering who will live there next (wondering, will I fail again?). And I wait, because I absolutely believe that I was created to be, born to be, a foster parent, and eventually an adoptive parent (shh, don’t tell the county we plan to adopt- they’ll start throwing kids left and right at us). So when a girl needs help, when a child needs a safe place, any child, I know that’s what I was meant to do. I know that’s what I’ve been waiting my whole life to do.

I think I screamed a whole lot of nonsense at Husband after he said that. I think it might have ridiculousness. Not sure. I’ve blocked it from my memory. But suffice it to say he won’t ever make that remark to me again.

I believe that within the next 3-4 weeks we will have to have The Talk Abut Taking Placements Again. I plan to talk to him face to face (not over the phone) and try to keep heightened emotions at bay. I’ll let you know how that goes.