Paternal Aunt made another stab at trying to convince Husband and I that it would be best for the three kids to stay in Sending State. Reading her message, my feelings came fast and furious.  This is how it went:

Indignant. “You think the kids would be better off with family who are so neck-deep in denial that they never even noticed that mom and dad were drug addicts and the kids were being neglected?! Pu-lease.”

Anger. “You’ve got to be kidding me!”

Fear. “She’s obviously desperate. But What if the court decides the kids ARE better off in sending state?”

And then a different kind of Fear. “….What if she is right? What if it IS better for them to stay with the family that they know? What if we take these kids and we screw them up big time? What if we can never love Baby G and Brother the way they need to be loved? What if I resent them and this decision we’ve made? What if this ruins my daughter’s life? What if I never have a date night with my husband or drive a car that was made in this decade or buy clothing from anywhere but the thrift store again? What if mom ends up getting all the kids back- how will this devastate my family, and how will that screw up baby G? What if this is The Biggest Mistake We Ever Made?”

I’m nothing if not overly dramatic.

I’ve done a lot of thinking about this today, and I’m not sure how to articulate what I’ve discovered. I guess that’s why I’m taking up blogging- to teach myself to articulate my feelings, and not just feel them. Bear with me, I promise that as long as I keep writing, I’ll get better in time. Maybe not in this post.  But T.I.M.E.

I’ve realize that I am full of self-doubt. I know most people have some self-doubt, but I am full of it. And even as I write that, I am reminded that I was full of self-doubt about this decision when I made it. But I was also full of faith in Jesus, and I was able to breathe and trust that He was directing my path. When I forget to remember God, when I get all into my own head and can’t get out, the result is I am full of fear.

I do not know what is going to happen. But He does.

I don’t know how to be a good parent to all these kids. But He does, and I believe He will teach me.

I don’t know how to have patience with the kids or plan the meals that will relentlessly come three times a day or still be a great (or, let’s face it, even a barely passing for acceptable) wife even with all this new stress in our lives. But He knows how to help me with all of that.

I feel so much more peaceful.

This post did not go the way I thought it would. I thought I would write and write about my conflicting thoughts and emotions.  But He reminded me, He is more than enough. I’m thankful.